Film Review: Spider-Man 3

Disclaimer: This review was written at 4am after seeing the Spider-Man 3 midnight premiere. In the interest of preserving a small piece of jbomb.net history, I have decided to repost this review unchanged. Enjoy this scathing late night domination of Spider-Man.

Spider-Man 3 is the latest iteration of Sam Raimi’s blockbuster franchise, a superhero movie that has major themes of love and forgiveness. Unfortunately, audiences worldwide are going to have a hard time forgiving the aforementioned Mr.Raimi for creating this awful excuse for a film. No matter what the rest of 2007 holds, Spider-Man 3 will assuredly stand as one the biggest disappointments and one of the most complete failures of the year.

Spider-Man and its sequel were excellent comic book films. It can be argued that the original Spider-Man paved the way for the onslaught of hero movies that are now being released every year. Spider-Man 3 is a mockery of its predecessors. It has no heart, no character, no story, and it is impossible to fathom the director actually releasing it under the pretense of a serious movie. From the phone-in dialogue to the dreadful story arc, the movie was seemingly shot over a weekend because the studio was hard up for cash.

The character development is non-existent. The villains feel like flavors of the week instead of purposed evil that needs to be defeated. Rather than delving further into Peter Parker and Mary Jane’s relationship, we are treated to a complete rehash that is devoid of any real emotion. Peter, much like the people behind the movie, is caught up in the glitz and glamour of being Spider-Man, while Mary Jane is too self-indulgent to consider the duties of her empowered boyfriend. These soulless, egocentric characters did not exist in the previous films, yet masquerade as the real Peter and MJ for the entire two hours plus.

Spider-Man 3 does not even have any action to counterbalance its deplorable story and characters. Save a few mildly amusing sequences, there is nothing here that hasn’t been done in either of the prequels, and for that matter the new material is severely lackluster. The CGI is impressive, but Spider-Man is a movie, not a technical showcase.

The simple fact that Spider-Man 3 was released in its present form should invoke a burning deep down in every true believer. At one point Peter Parker is dressed in “emo” fashion, complete with a black comb over—but it gets worse. After singing lead vocals for 30 Seconds to Mars, the beloved comic book hero actually performs an “emo” hair flip. If that doesn’t make a small part of you die, you should consult your local physician. Spider-Man 3 is an abomination of cinema, and I can only pray similar films learn from this catastrophe.

2/10